


i eat boys up, you'd better run

by callunavulgari



Series: Holiday Writing Challenge '12 [27]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Anal Sex, F/M, Hermaphroditic Trolls, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Other, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Sloppy Makeouts, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 15:11:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callunavulgari/pseuds/callunavulgari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Oh my god, you bulgemuching busfuckers, if you are going to engage in sloppy interspecies makeouts, which I may add, is against the godforsaken rules, the least you can do is get inside the little wooden human hive before the rest of us erupt like great festering vomit volcanoes!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	i eat boys up, you'd better run

**Author's Note:**

> Day 27 of the Holiday Writing Challenge on tumblr [over here](http://giraffe-tier.tumblr.com/post/35469673249/winter-drawing-writing-challenge). Prompt was 'skiing'. I should really just stop expecting fics to go where I want them, because this was supposed to be Mark/Eduardo and just a bitchy ski-trip. Instead what happened was vaguely xenophiliac threesome porn without plot. Like... 4000 words of porn. So uh, yay? Also, I am planning on looking this over properly tomorrow, but until then, keep an eye out for wayward third person? I am terribly sleepy.

“It’s a tradition,” John tells all of you, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Along with snowball fights and snow angels and sledding and—”  
  
“Think they get it, John,” Strider interrupts, poker face perfectly in place save for the chattering of his teeth. For all that he’s a human, he seems to be just as freezing as all of you, and it takes you a moment to remember that the place where he grew up was similar to Alternia as far as temperatures go—hot as hell for most of the year and mildly chilly during the winter months. Even that is lucky though, because Alternia hadn’t _had_ winter months, just wet heat and dry heat.  
  
All of you are open to human traditions considering that you live on their planet now, but this is too much. You, for one, don’t care that it’s human tradition to strap a pair of boards to your feet and fling yourself down a hill—it isn’t worth turning into an icicle.  
  
“I’m going inside,” you tell John flatly, and in unison, he and Jade start whining at you. “Seriously, fuck this,” you interrupt, stomping in place. The snow is stuck to the bottoms of your boots, and it feels odd beneath your feet, like you’re wearing those heeled torture traps that some of the females tend to wear.  
  
“I hate to say it, but I’m with McShouty,” you hear Strider say from behind you, and John and Jade’s protests kick up an extra notch. “Striders ain't built for this kind of cold and going from the fact that they’re all shaking in their itty bitty booties, the trolls ain’t either,” he finishes, and you hear the crunching of snow as he starts to follow you.  
  
“Chickens!” John hollers after you, just as Jade shouts, “Pussies!”  
  
You think that term directly translates to ‘nook’ and aren’t entirely sure why she’s calling you a sexual organ. Nook-sucker is one thing, but calling someone a nook outright? Weird.  
  
You think that Kanaya’s planning on sticking it out with the Rose human and the other trolls seem content enough to freeze, so you don’t really give a flying fuck. If they want to freeze their bone bulges off, you aren’t going to stop them. Gamzee honest to god seems like he’s having fun, but you suppose he did manage to get around more than you in the game. Maybe he’d been exposed to freezing cold before and has grown to tolerate it enough to _play in the nookbiting festering pile of white shit._  
  
You can still hear Strider crunching along after you, but after a moment you hear a cackle and some very fasting crunching before Terezi tackles you into a snowbank. You aren’t proud of it, but you can’t help yowling like a startled meowbeast, because not only is the snow in your face _fucking freezing_ , but Terezi is also a sharp, pointed little creature made of jagged blades of varying sizes and also death, and her landing on your back hurts in a very not good way, badly enough that you don’t even care that she’s sticking her tongue down your ear canal.  
  
You’re still shouting curses directly into the snow when her weight lifts off of you suddenly, and you hear Strider saying, “Down ‘Rezi, no good will come of pissing off Vantas. Unless you killed him and I doubt you’re going to manage that by smothering him in snow.”  
  
Your face is appallingly red when you manage to get yourself back to your feet, you just know it, because Terezi tries to lunge for you again, tongue poking out from between her teeth like she’s tasting you on the air. Only Strider’s arm around her waist appears to be restraining you, and he just stares at you from behind his shades as you and Terezi shriek at each other, like he’s bored.  
  
“Why are you even so interested in my blood?” you shout, loudly enough that you see Gamzee’s head swivel towards you from back where the others are standing. Actually, most of them are probably staring at you, if they haven’t managed to kill themselves on their stupid sticks yet. “I’m sure that Strider’s stupid human blood is just as candy-red!”  
  
You realize the draw-back to setting her on Strider the moment she gets an intrigued look on her face and turns in his grip, pushing his scarf down and dragging her tongue along the hollow of his throat. He grunts and lets go of her, but now it’s him that she’s pushing into the snow. Except, he isn’t going down under her weight—standing his ground as she climbs him like a fucking tree, her legs going around his waist as she licks her way up his face. He makes a little sound under his breath, and as you watch, the blood starts rushing to his face.  
  
He turns a much darker shade of red than you do when he blushes, and Terezi makes a pleased sound and licks at his lips, and—  
  
They’re kissing, right there in the bone bulge sucking snow, her tongue thrusting into his mouth the moment he opens his lips. The noise that they both make then is obscene, as is the sight of them like that, so entangled in each other, their lips and tongues making wet, wet noises that make you squirm uncomfortably.  
  
It’s only when Strider moans, his hips twisting sharply forwards that your think pan decides to come back inside from recess.  
  
“Oh my god, you bulgemuching busfuckers, if you are going to engage in sloppy interspecies makeouts, which I may add, is against the godforsaken rules, the least you can do is get inside the little wooden human hive before the rest of us erupt like great festering vomit volcanos!”  
  
Strider is the first to pull back, and even though he’s smirking at you, he’s panting a little, his hips twitching sporadically as Terezi yanks his scarf off and continues her assault on his neck. “Jealous Vantas?” he purrs, and your cheeks flare red enough that you think they might almost match his.  
  
“As if,” you hiss, but you’re marching towards them and grabbing Strider by the arm so you can drag them both back into the house with you. It might be awkward to be in the same dwelling as them as they copulate awkwardly, but you’re still the leader, dammit, and even if Strider isn’t your problem, Terezi is—and you aren’t going to let her freeze to death out here because she couldn’t keep her bone bulge in her pants.  
  
The hive isn’t far away, just a few scant paces, but the wet noise of Terezi’s tongue against his skin is making you twitch—making Strider walk awkwardly. Whether that’s because of the addition of her weight or because something’s going on in his pants you aren’t entirely sure.  
  
You fling the door open and they stumble in after you, Strider kicking the door shut behind him, and when you turn around Terezi is crawling free of his grip so she can wriggle back down to the floor.  
  
You forget sometimes how much taller he is than the both of you, and it’s only in moments like this that you’re reminded of it, when Terezi yanks his shirt up to his neck with one clawed hand, her horns barely coming up to his chest before she lowers her head so she can lick at his stomach. He makes a little breathy noise in response, a hitch that makes you want to see what’s going on behind those shades of his.  
  
You should probably go, but Terezi turns to you and grins with a mouthful of jagged glass, saying happily, “Tastes like cherries!”  
  
You scoff and watch her yank Strider’s coat off his shoulders as she beckons you over, a cocky jut to her hips and a smug look on her face. It makes irritation prickle under your skin and you growl as you drift closer, until you’re close enough that you could touch them if you wanted. She’s yanking his shirt the rest of the way over his head now, and even standing on tiptoes he has to help her by pulling it the rest of the way over his head himself.  
  
She cackles and moves on to his clavicles, teetering on the tips of her toes enough that Strider has to reach out and steady her, his hands framing her perfect little waist. Your mouth waters a bit when he gently pulls her shirt up and over her head and now you’re the only one still fully clothed. It makes squirm, and you’re about to walk off when Strider gasps and grabs the sleeve of your coat.  
  
He’s looking at you as she mouths down his chest, sucking at the skin off his belly, and you’re overcome with such a strong desire to reach over and pull off his shades that you do. Terezi makes a muffled gleeful sound into whatever skin she’s got her mouth attached to, but you’re too busy staring at his red, red eyes to pay much attention to it.  
  
They aren’t quite like yours—maybe a shade brighter, but they’re close enough to the muddled red shade that your eyes have switched to that your throat goes dry at the sight.  
  
Before you know it, Strider’s bending down so he can press his lips to yours and suddenly you completely understand Terezi’s desire to climb him like a tree. Your breath hitches in your throat and when you shuffle forward so you can get loop your arms around his neck you bump into Terezi, who is then sandwiched between you two when Strider tugs you even closer, deepening the kiss into something biting and wet.  
  
You don’t know what Terezi’s talking about. He tastes nothing like cherries. He just tastes like human and wet and spit, the smell of him wrapping around you like a blanket. Terezi squirms between you, laughing again as she manages to turn around, and then her tongue is licking down your throat, wet and rough. It makes you groan, clenching down on nothing and just starting to notice how wet you are, your bulge wriggling unhappily in your pants and your nook dripping liquid down your thighs.  
  
Strider bites at your lips, only breaking the kiss so he can pull your shirt up and over your head, then tumble all of you down to the floor, where Terezi sprawls happily on your lap as he kneels over her, his chest folding around her back so he can kiss you again.  
  
It’s fantastic, making you gasp into his mouth when Terezi wrenches your pants down your hips and manages to get her tongue there.  
  
You’ve heard the humans talk of blowjobs before, but you don’t know where she managed to pick it up. It’s not as if trolls particularly embrace someone’s teeth being one step away from chewing off your genitals. But then, you think, her and Strider do seem awfully familiar with one another’s bodies. It would make a fuck ton of sense, because she’s doing things that you would never have thought of—twirling her tongue around your bulge and licking sloppily, sliding her entire mouth down over it so it writhes against the back of her throat—it makes you groan, deep in the back of your throat as Strider nips at the corner of your mouth, tongue tracing the spot afterward.  
  
It’s only when her tongue slides into your nook that you arch up off the floor, gasping into his mouth and— “What the fuck, oh my god, Terezi slow down and take off your pants, seriously.”  
  
When she pulls back her mouth is smeared pink, and she’s licking you off her face in a way that has you desperate to get all of you naked, as soon as fucking possible. She obliges you, wriggling out of her pants and you have a glimpse of her bulge, writhing desperately against her stomach and dripping green-blue fluid, before she turns away from you and yanks Strider’s pants over his hips—  
  
Human bone bulges are weird. John had tried to explain it to you once, blushing all the while, but there wasn’t a whole lot that you were able to understand without demanding him to pull his pants down and just show you. Even you had understood that that endeavor would have been ill-advised.  
  
John’s explanation doesn’t prepare you for the weirdly unmoving protrusion between his legs. It’s bulge-shaped enough, sort of, if you squint really hard, and it even twitches a bit when you lean forward and wrap your hand around it carefully, curious. Terezi doesn’t seem bothered by it, leaning down to lick around it and your hand, which more or less confirms that either she and Strider had copulated before or she and John had gotten _significantly_ closer than you thought they had.  
  
Strider makes a gasping noise when you move your hand experimentally and shivers all over when Terezi slides her mouth over the very tip of his bulge-like... thing.  
  
“It’s called a dick,” he tells you shakily, like he’s reading your mind. “Dick, penis, cock, member, special little rocket of love— nngh.”  
  
Terezi pulls back, her shades slightly askew and shit eating grin on her face. “I’m going to fuck him,” she tells you, and you have a second to wonder where she’s planning on sticking her bulge before she offers, “Unless you want to.”  
  
Striders sputters, his dick twitching again in your hand. “Don’t I get a say in this?”  
  
“Nope!” she says cheerfully. “You love it, cool-kid, no reason to get shy now! It’s just Karcrab!”  
  
He groans something that could either be an insult or a compliment as she slides two fingers into herself, moaning happily before she pulls them back out again, practically dripping with teal fluid. “You should help me, Karcrab!” she tells you, and you watch, stuck firmly between intrigued and horrified as she slides one of the fingers into his waste-chute.  
  
He shudders and you pump idly at his dick as Terezi makes him lay back so she has a better angle, her finger moving in and out of him a few more times before she slides the other finger in alongside the first. She turns to frown at you, her fingers still moving, unfazed by the way Strider’s completely lost his cool, twitching against her fingers and letting out loud moans. “Karkat, if you don’t help me I’m not giving you a piece of Strider pie tonight,” she sing-songs, prodding at something inside of Strider that makes his back arch _completely off the fucking floor._  
  
You have to clear your throat twice before your voice stops coming out as a raspy mess and you flush as she smirks at you. “What exactly do you want me to do?” you ask her, crossing your arms over your naked chest.  
  
She laughs at you, reaching over with her other hand to ruffle at your hair. Her claws catch at your horns, and you yelp, even though she’s being gentle. “Just do what I did, silly.”  
  
Your face goes hot and you shudder when Strider swivels his head around, meeting your eyes. His cheeks are flushed bright red and he’s breathing hard, but his eyes are on you when you slide your hand between your thighs and into yourself, gathering as much slick fluid as you can—and there’s a lot of it. It drips down your thighs, pink against your skin, and his eyes drift down as you spread your legs and—  
  
He makes a choked noise when you slide a second finger in, and you think that he hisses “oh my god, you two are going to kill me” before he shakes his head and says, quite audibly, “Come sit on my face, asshole.”  
  
You gape at him as Terezi cackles, and before you can protest she has the hand that’s not otherwise occupied thrust into your face. “You don’t want to pass this up, Karcrab,” she purrs, tugging at your arm so your fingers slip out of your nook, dripping pale liquid that she carefully swipes up, coating her fingers in it the same way she had with her own fluids. “I’ll get cool-kid here ready, go have fun,” she tells you, gesturing at you until you crawl up beside his head, just so she won’t accidentally fling your juices back into your face.  
  
He’s watching you still, his eyes dark as you pause beside him, because surely—  
  
“Yes, I really meant for you to _sit on my fucking face_ , Karkitty, so fucking climb aboard the S.S. Strider—we offer you tingly feelings, an _incredibly_ wet nook, and even an orgasm or four,” he tells you, and he looks like he might keep going, so you roll your eyes and carefully move so you’re straddling his face, hovering just over his mouth. You make the mistake of looking down just as a drop of fluid splatters on his cheek, and he holds your gaze as his tongue darts out to lick it, heavy-lidded and flushed. Fuck, it makes you groan, and he takes advantage of the moment so he can grab you by the thighs and yank you down until he’s got his face pressed into your nook.  
  
You absolutely cannot help the keening noise you make as his tongue darts out to lick into you. His tongue isn’t as freakishly long as Terezi’s, but it’s smoother, slicker, and you have a sneaking suspicion that he knows how to use it better than she does, because his tongue inside you feels like the best thing in the history of every universe ever. The noise he makes as he tastes you has you keening again, and you can feel the way he smiles against you as he pulls his tongue out of your nook, licking sloppily at your bulge, letting it try to twist around his tongue, the tip of it brushing against his forehead.  
  
His body jerks, making his hands tighten around your thighs, and before you know it you have Terezi wrapping her arms around you from behind. You quirk an eyebrow back at her and she laughs against your neck. “So how are you liking the S.S. Strider?” she asks, biting down on your shoulder, her pointed teeth easily piercing your skin. It makes you hiss and clench up, your thighs tightening around Strider’s face until he slaps at your leg.  
  
“Knew there was a use for that mouth of his besides spewing shit,” you tell her, grinning fiercely as she leans in to kiss you. When she pulls back, her cheeks are flushed, and it’s only as she says, “You’re one to talk, maybe next time we should see if your mouth is good for anything else, hmm?” that you realize she’s rocking her hips downwards—  
  
“Fuck,” you breathe, staring at where they’re joined together, his hips lifting upwards to meet her—his entire human bulge inside of her. “Thought you were going to fuck him?” you ask, staring as you lean back a bit so you can offer a hand for her bulge to curl around—it does so happily, latching onto your fingers and writhing ecstatically.  
  
She shrugs. “Still am. Was waiting for you to disembark,” she grins. “My brilliant plan requires a change in position if we hope to succeed.”  
  
You roll your eyes and kiss her one more time before climbing off of Strider. He’s a mess, the lower part of his face covered in your genetic material, positively dripping pink—but he’s grinning up at you, not a hint of that cool-kid smirk, but an actual grin, his eyes bright with lust. It makes you want to climb right back on, screw Terezi’s plan, but she digs her claws into your thigh as you make a move to do just that. She’s climbing off of him when you look back, and his bulge—dick, cock, what the fuck ever—is flushed red, so hard that it looks painful, a thin coating of blue-green fluid over it.  
  
“Turn over,” she purrs with a grin, and you think that she’s talking to him, because he’s moving so that he’s on his knees, forearms braced on the scratchy carpet, but she turns and says, “You too, front and center, if you please.”  
  
You both turn to blink at her, and then Strider’s face is lighting up and you’re starting to think you understand what she’s on about, because—  
  
“Chop chop,” she says cheerfully, and Strider turns those eyes on you and reaches out, dragging you in until your back is pressed to his chest. His dick twitches against your ass and you shudder as he gently maneuvers you until you’re kneeling in front of him, his dick nudging at your nook and with a grunt, he pushes forward—  
  
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, motherfucking bulgenibbling globe goblin, shit—”  
  
“Damn Vantas,” he pants against your neck, and he’s still inside you, but he’s so _fucking big_ , bigger than you thought you could handle, and you don’t know why you didn’t say anything before, because you really should have been concerned about that _fitting inside of you._  
  
Someone, you think possibly Terezi pats at your hip, because she says, “Don’t worry, he’s not too big. Just wait a minute and it’ll stop hurting,” her voice oddly gentle.  
  
He grunts again, rocking into you ever so slightly, and if you aren’t mistaken, Terezi just pushed into him, because a second passes before he rocks into you again, harder this time, making you whimper and making him hiss, “Hold up, ‘Rezi, seriously. Let him adjust.”  
  
She cackles and Strider rocks into you again, cursing as she laughs, “Karkat will loosen up when you start moving, and since you aren’t planning on doing that, I will.”  
  
Strider just wheezes against your neck as she thrusts into him again, making him rock into you, which makes you curse again.  
  
It is starting to feel better, the pressure becoming more bearable the more Terezi fucks him into you, but it isn’t until Strider lets out a growl and wraps his fingers around your bulge that it starts to feel good.  
  
When you finally let out a moan, Terezi gives a gleeful little shriek, and it isn’t until that moment that you realize she was holding back, because she starts fucking Strider for real now, the slap of her skin against his and his against yours making you bite back another moan.  
  
It feels wonderful once he’s started cursing into your neck, her laughter replaced with needy little whimpers as she fucks him deeper and—  
  
Then all of a sudden it stops.  
  
You both snarl at her, and she rolls her eyes, her cheeks flushed a pretty green-blue and her brow sweaty as she hisses, “Karkrab, on your back now.”  
  
Pulling off of Strider is agony, and your nook aches to have him back the moment he’s out of you, but when you flop down onto your back he growls and slips right back inside, making you gasp.  
  
It is better this way, your bulge trapped between both of your stomachs as Terezi fucks you both into a slightly too fast, slightly too hard rhythm that has an orgasm building so fast that you’re just starting to think to ask for a pail before you’re coming all over the place, your body shaking as your genetic material slides over the edge of your stomach and starts seeping into the carpet.  
  
Strider follows you a moment later, mouth open in a moan as he trembles. For a moment you’re horrified, expecting to be very uncomfortably full of genetic material very quickly, but it apparently isn’t the same for humans. He thrusts in deep and holds there, stilling completely, and you think you might feel something—but it’s far from the mess that you just made.  
  
Terezi’s still rocking the two of you together, and the feel of his bulge rocking gently inside you makes little sparks of pleasure trail down your spine. You meet her gaze over Strider’s shoulder—her shades askew on the bridge of her nose—and she’s grinning at you when her movement stutters, as she comes with this soundless little hum that makes you grin back at her.   
  
“Fuck,” Strider hisses, drawing out the vowel as he bites down on his lip. It occurs to you that she’s coming _inside of him_ , that she’s filling him up so much right now that it’s probably seeping out around her bulge. You grin and kiss the side of his neck, the grin widening when he goes limp on top of you. You should probably be annoyed about that, but right now you’re just content to lie beneath him as Terezi pulls out of him and cackles. “Mmm, cool-kid, filled you up so good, look at all this, Karcrab!”  
  
Wriggling out from under him does kind of annoy you. You were comfortable where you were, but it’s worth it to see how much he’s dripping with Terezi—worth it to see her lick at his hole, making him give a tired little groan.  
  
“We should really get dressed before everyone gets back,” Strider mumbles into the carpet. It makes you laugh, how exhausted he sounds, but you suppose that if the human movies John has made you watch are to be believed, human males tend to fall asleep after intercourse. Terezi laughs with you, still licking at where she’s dripping out of him slowly, and he waves a hand at you both until he manages to smack Terezi lightly against the side of the head. “Seriously, did anyone even bother to lock the door?”  
  
You didn’t, so you wrestle him upright as Terezi goes off to find something to clean the stains with. He manages to help you gather up all of your clothes before you both amble up the stairs and into the guest bedroom, dropping face first onto the bed. You curl up beside him and feel him smile against the back of your neck as he wraps an arm around your waist.  
  
“Can’t believe I just fucked two aliens on John’s living room floor,” he mumbles into the side of your throat. You roll your eyes.  
  
“We wouldn’t have fucked on their floor if they had something to do more interesting than _freezing our asses off_.”  
  
He snorts. “Mine may not have frozen off, but something sure happened to it.”  
  
You roll your eyes at him, then smile when Terezi slips inside the room and closes the door, flipping the lock. You don’t ask if the mess is clean, because in all likelihood, the Egberts are going to have a slightly strange stain on their carpet until they move out. She slips under your arm, and you pull her in like Strider did you, until your chest is pressed up against her back.  
  
“At least we’re warm now,” you say into the quiet, because you are. You aren’t cold at all.  
  
Strider snorts again. “So you’re telling me we should fuck every time you get cold, huh, Vantas?”  
  
“Yes!” Terezi chirps happily, just as you’re about to open your mouth to say, no that wasn’t what you meant. You shrug and let yourself settle into them.  
  
“...I could probably get behind that,” Strider says after a moment’s silence.


End file.
